The Sensuality Lure, Stabilizing Hormones and the CraniumAs I had my morning coffee, the "Dear Abby" column captured my eye. A reader wrote in with a dating dilemma and ended her letter with that often-heard stereotype that "Women utilize sex to get love, and males use love to get sex." This is a excellent summation of the "Sex Trap."
The Sex Trap is similar to the Love Trap, where songs interpret excellent sex as love. But those who fall under the Sex Trap go even farther because for these singles, making love carries tremendous meaning and repercussions.
Singles fall under the Sex Trap in one (or both) of 2 ways:
A.they think sex is a required test of compatibility, (if the sex readies then the relationship will be excellent too).
B.more frequently, all consciousness goes out the window, and one or both previously level-headed songs consider themselves a committed couple as quickly as they have sex.
Rather than looking at whether this other person might be a match on levels other than physical destination-- such as long-lasting requirements, needs, and desires-- they are blind-sided by the chemistry under the covers.
No doubt, it can be challenging to communicate with truth when all those hormonal agents are cutting loose. Our body responds to somebody we are drawn in to by producing hormones such as PEA or phenylethylamine (natural amphetamine), dopamine and norepinephrine (natural state of mind enhancers), and testosterone (increases sexual desire), which makes the opportunity to have sex with somebody we are brought in to extremely hard to withstand. Then, after orgasm, we produce oxytocin (which acts on the hypothalamus to produce feelings), which makes us feel very close to and bonded with our sex partner.
These chain reactions are uncontrolled and strong , causing effective feelings of destination, enjoyment, well-being, closeness, and love .
However when issues emerge, those who fall under the Sex Trap frequently rationalize by thinking, "Well, we've got issues, however the sex is fantastic!" They most likely would not admit it, however they focus on physical intimacy and relate to the rest as optional. Their primary scouting tools are sexual attraction and physical compatibility.
Barry North, an RCI coach who works mostly with gay guys, says that much of his customers have fallen under the Sex Trap.
" For gay males particularly in city locations, sex is easily available, which in itself is a trap," North says. view it now "In addition, the culture, with its emphasis on physical appearance, motivates sexual activity. Many gay males desire to learn from the beginning if a possible partner is going to be sexually compatible. Why waste your time if the sex isn't going to ready?".
North adds, "I presume this is a ' man' thing rather than a 'gay' thing.".
I do desire to explain that chemistry is necessary. Chemistry is a offered that we cannot control in a relationship; it is either there or not there, and it needs to be there for the collaboration to work. If not there, we cannot "make" chemistry take place, though sometimes it can grow in time.
Singles who pursue a relationship based upon sexual chemistry threat relationship failure when the hormone-induced intoxication diminishes and truth hits.
To avoid the Sex Trap, you should balance your heart (and hormones) with your head. This means integrating chemistry with common sense. While good sex is necessary for a sustainable relationship, you have to make your partner options by paying complete focus on your vision, values, goals, and requirements -- while feeling all those exciting sparks!